Don't say you love me, it's too late
by yourejustadreamx
Summary: My name is Jane Peters and I'm 17 years old. The year is 1895 and I'm living in Antwerp until now. My mother forced me to work in a factory, but it's awful! I want to be an artist but I'm not allowed too.I would flee to Paris... plz review!
1. There are worse things in life

I was dreaming away when my mother stormed in.

'You can start at the factory I work, it's 1,5 franks a day, not much, but it's something.'

'What?' I asked, was she serious about this?!   
'you can work at the laundry, it's a good job.'

she didn't get it... I could work as a secretary for a lot more money.  
'Mum, we talked about this before, I'm not going to that!' I said but she took my arm and pinched it furiously.  
'You are NOT going to work at that place, they are only going to abuse you and make you a whore!' She hissed.  
I pulled my arm out of her grasp.  
'You're just jealous.' I said, but that was wrong from me to say, I knew my mother has a good will, she wants to protect me...

'No, I have my dignity.' She said and walked out of the room, my little sister who was laying in the bed next me had heard our entire conversation.  
'Whore.' She whispered.  
I jumped up and took her by her hair.  
'What was that?' I asked her, she screamed.  
'You whore! mother does everything for you and you're still not happy!' she screamed and tried to kick me. but I was a lot stronger.  
'Whatever! I deserve better.' I said and let go of her. She was crying.  
'spoiled brat.' she said, but I didn't care anymore. Maybe she was right.

Next day I had to get up early to work in the factory. it couldn't be that bad?  
We went there on foot, which was very hard, I was already tired when I got there and I still had a whole day ahead of me.  
In the factory it's self was even harder.  
beside the hard work, there was this boss who kept on touching me. everytime I had to pick something up he rubbed himself against me.  
At the end of the day I couldn't stand it anymore so I gave him a slap in his face.  
'You slut!' He screamed, everyone was looking at us, including my mother, who was silently crying.

When we got back home, there was a cold war between us.  
'Fired after one day.' she muttered.  
'He was touching me, what else did I had to do?!' I screamed, I couldn't take it anymore.  
'You let it happen when one of your rich boys do it!' She screamed.  
I was insulted, that never happened! they're just friends.  
'You had to say he had to stop and he would have, He's a man!' my mother said further but I didn't listen anymore. I stood up and went upstairs.  
My sister was my room and was laughing.  
'I knew you were a whore!' She said, I punched her in the face.  
'I saw you last night sneaking out to that boy, so who will be first pregnant?' I said smiling and took the little things I had. Some money, and my lucky charm daddy gave to me when I was a little girl.

He always brought presents with him when he came back from a journey. He was a sailor, and that's how he died... on sea. There was a terrible storm and he didn't survive.

Mother didn't said a thing when I left, she was staring at the window.  
I stepped out of the door and went to Richard. He was my best friend, he would help me.  
After 5 minutes I arrived at his house. He was living ina beautiful house at the most expensive part of the city.  
I knocked on his door and a butler opened it, he looked at me disgusted.  
'No Beggars.' He said polite but I stopped him.  
'I'm here for Mister Richard.' I said. 'Tell him, Jane's here.'  
The butler sighed and went back in, a few seconds later Richard opened the door.  
He was a good looking gentleman with brown curly hair and dark brown eyes.  
'What brings you here?' he asked smiling. He had a huge crush on me since the very first day he saw me.  
'I need your help! my mother has gone crazy.' I said, he let me in.  
'What happened?' He asked worried. So I told him the whole story about what happened in the factory and my sister. 

'I could help you.' He said but I could see on his face he was doubting.  
'What? please tell me!' I said desperate.  
'I have a friend in Paris, he could give you a job.' He said. I was sold when he said the word Paris.  
I sighed.  
'Paris is my dream.' I whispered. But I could see on his face that's not what he wanted to hear.  
'I will sent him a letter first thing tommorow, in the meantime, you could stay here.' He said, but I refused the offer.  
'No thanks, I leave to Paris. There I could rebuild a live. I'm not going to stay here in Belgium.' I said and stood up.  
'Where can I find your friend?' I asked.  
'He lives in the Rue faubourg de saint-honoré, but what if he doesn't want to help you?'  
'I will find a way.' I said and stood up and walked out of the door.  
I didn't even said goodbye from Richard, I was so exciting.  
First thing I would do is taking the next train to Paris.


	2. Journey to Paris

So there I was, waiting in station of Borgerhout. I had asked some information on how to get in Paris. It was more difficult then I expected, but I would still go on with it.

My journey was so difficult, so many trains I had to take... at the end I was so tired. I must have been travveling for days... or at least that's how it felt.  
I kinda lost track of the days.

But when I got there I couldn't believe it. I arrived at Gare du Nord in Paris and for some reason, there was already someone waiting for me.  
He hold a little card with my name on it.  
I walked over to him. He was a tall man with red hair.  
'Are you miss Jane?' He asked me polite, as a real gentlemen he took my hand and led me to a carriage.  
I was so happy Richard thought about me.  
'So what's your name?' I asked, he was still a stranger to me.  
'Tom Vervoort.'  
'O, so your Belgian.' I asked.  
'Yes, how else would I have met Richard.' He said smiling.  
after a few minutes of silence he began to speak again.  
'Do you have an idea where you are going to stay?' he asked.  
'I thought Richard had taken care of everything?' I asked.  
'No, my wife will not apreciate that.' He said.  
what now?

'Can't you reccomend me something? mind you, I don't have a lot money.' I said.  
He thought for a moment.  
'Perhaps Montmartre.' He said, but on a weird tone.  
'Okay. I could do that.' I said. For some reason it felt like I have heard of it before.  
He gave me some money extra, to make sure I would have enough.

I was scared for some reason, I suddenly missed Belgium.  
The thought of being somewhere alone with people I didn't know was so frightening.  
The carriage stopped and we both got out.   
'I will give you directions how to get there but I'm not going with you.' He said.  
Now I was shivering out of fear. For some reason I was afraid.  
'Alone? isn't that dangerous?' I asked, I could see on his face it was.  
'Just don't talk to anybody, ignore them.' He said.  
I will see you tomorrow in rue du faubourg saint-honoré.  
He gave me the directions to get there and he got back in the carriage.

When it left I felt so alone. What did I had to expect there?  
Suddenly I remembered Montmartre. I had heard some of the women talk about it in the factory. It was a place of sin. Whores.  
O God...Where have I landed in?

I arrived at Montmartre and asked for a place to stay. They gave me an adress and after another 5 minutes I was there.  
It was not the grand hotel but I had a place to stay.

I couldn't stop thinking about my mother. Maybe it was wrong from me to leave. I missed her so much now I was gone. But it was too late to change my mind. I was here in Paris and I'm here to stay.

After a few hours I was so bored to stay there at my room, it wasn't even dark yet and I wanted to see something of Paris or was I going to stay here the rest of my life?  
The only thing that stopped was the warning of Tom.  
After another hour (it could have been 5 minutes too, I was so bored) I decided to get out.  
So I walked out of the door and bumped in to someone... Great one minute out and I couldn't help doing something stupid.  
The person I just bumped in to helped me up.  
'Are you okay, miss?' I heard a voice say, I looked and saw a little man, well, he reached my eyes and I'm not tall myself.  
'Yes, I'm okay.' I said, I felt so embarressing.  
He smiled.  
'May I know your name, beautiful?' He said, almost flirting. I felt myself blushing, he was charming, I had to admit that.  
'Jane.' I said.  
'What a nice name.'


	3. Meeting Toulouse

I couldn't help myself blushing, this man really had enchanted me! Not with his looks but with his charms.  
'And what about your name? is just as charming as you are?' I asked.  
'Maybe, Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec-Monfa.'  
'That's a mouthfull.' I answered.  
So he was nobel? And Tom was afraid to come here...  
'Just call me Toulouse, or something.' He said. 'So you were going out?'  
'Yes, care to join me?' I asked, He smiled.  
'I can't say no to such a pretty face.'  
O God... This is not happening!  
'So did you had something in mind?' He asked.  
'No not really, I was just tired of sitting in my room.' I answered.  
'Good thing you met me' he said.  
For some reason I couldn't stop smiling.

'Now, why don't I show you around first.' He said, 'Been in Montmartre before?'  
'No, this is my first time being out of Antwerp.' I answered, he showed intrest of me being from Antwerp.  
'Antwerp? how nice. From what side?'  
'the docks.'  
'Nasty place, isn't it?' He said quiet arrogant. I felt insulted.  
'it's not much we could afford it.' I said, he could feel I wasn't very happy anymore.  
'I didn't mean it that way, it's just, In the South live all the rich and that's so close by the docks where the poor live, am I right?'  
I dindn't expect that answer.  
'Well yes.' I didn't now what to say anymore.  
'I'm not who you think I am. My name probably confuses you, but just like you I live on Montmartre, that says enough.'  
I never looked it that way.  
'Everyone here has a story, just like me, and you have one too, I assume.' He went further.  
'I guess so.' I said, I thought about my mother who was probably still working now.  
'Something wrong?' he asked, he was looked worried.  
'I was thinking about my family back in Belgium.' I said and for some reason I started crying, I miss them.  
'I can't stand crying.' He said and put an arm around my waist and pulled me to a bench.  
'Come on, what's on your mind?' He asked, I felt so comfortable there So I told him the story of my life, or at least what happened back in Belgium.  
After my story, he told his.

It was an amazing evening and after we went back to his place.  
'Care for a drink?' He asked. Norally I would say no, but in with him, I would make an exception.  
He gave me a glass with something green in it, at first I was afraid, but it didn't kill him and it came out of the same bottle. So I tasted a bit.  
First it was disgusting, this was my first glass of alcohol, it felt like my whole throat was on fire. my second time was better.  
Toulouse was amused by my reactions.  
I can't blame him, It must have looked really foolish.  
After a while I was used to the green stuff, and I felt a little high in the head.   
'Maybe it's time for you to go back at your place.' He said and took my hand.

_What a gentleman... others would have abused my status.__  
_  
So he led me to my room and gave me a good night kiss on my cheeck.  
'I will see you tomorrow.' He said and went back.  
I watched him go. This man is one of a kind.

I went in and looked out of the window, tomorrow I had to work... but all I wanted was spending time with Toulouse...

_I can't be... in Love?_


	4. Breakfast

So I crawled in my bed still thinking about him.

_I barely knew the guy, it's probably nothing___

That night I dreamed about my mother, she was crying. My sister was next her, she was pregnant. I wanted to comfort my mother but everytime I wanted to touch her she went further away. The dream changed, there was Toulouse. He was holding my hands and told me he was leaving for a little while, I couldn't stop crying now.

I woke up with a shock, someone was knocking on my door?  
So I got up and opened it, it was Toulouse?! Oh God! I was hideous now, my hair all messed up and Oh no... I was standing there in the doorway, with only a light shirt on. I was so ashamed.

'Goodmorning.' He said excited, he came in. 'Last night you told me you had to work at 8 o'clock, So here I am, with some breakfast.'  
I was still sleepy and didn't understand.  
'What time is it?' I asked.  
'6 in the morning, I didn't knew how time you needed to get ready, I hope you don't mind?'   
As if... I was stunned.  
'No... no, not at all...I'm sorry for how I look, it's so embarressing.' I said, he laughed.  
'Oh don't be. I saw a lot worse, I can tell you.' He said and showed me the plate with breakfast.  
This was the first time something like that happened.  
'O Thank u, that's so sweet. How can I ever repay you for that.' I said but he didn't wanted to hear a word.  
'No, it's my pleasure. Someone has to let you feel right at home.' He said and smiled.  
I took the plate and put it on a little table I had in my room.  
It contained a glass of orangejuice, some slices of bread and cheese.  
'I took two chairs and put them around the table.  
'You want to join me?' I asked but he refused.  
'No, please, I already had mine.' He said.  
I felt like a princess.

While I ate we chatted, it was amazing how much we were alike.

'So you're a painter?' I asked.  
'Yes, well, I don't want to bother with that.'  
'Oh no, not at all, I would love to see some of your works. I do not know anything about art though.'  
He laughed.  
'You don't have to be smart or educated to enjoy art, you enjoy art with your heart not with your head.' He said, my whole body was glowing from happiness.  
After a while I realised I had to leave for work.  
And I wasn't dressed yet!  
'I have to go to work, thank u for the breakfast, it was delicious.' I said and gave him a hug. For some reason he was blushing.  
'It's o...okay, I'll see you later, I hope?' He asked, I nodded.  
'See you later Toulouse.' I said and close the door.  
I got dressed and ran out of the door. I was going to be late!!

After 15 minutes of running I arrived at rue du Faubourg saint-honoré.  
I was just on time.  
Tom was waiting at the front door.  
'O thank God, you made it! I was worried you got attacked or something.  
I laughed.  
'Not at all, I met this wonderfull person there.' I said, but he looked worried.  
'Who, if I may ask?'  
'Henri Marie Raymond de Toulouse-Lautrec-Monfa.' I answered, but he looked even more worried.  
'You have to stop seeing him.' He said, I didn't understand.  
'Why? he's really nice.'  
'He will turn you in to a whore!' He screamed at me, people who passed by looked really weird.  
'He's a painter.' I said.  
'You naive little girl, you will see I'm right, lucky for you, you'll be out of there in no time.'  
I don't want that...  
'How?' I asked boldly, I was getting tired of this Tom.  
'You will see.' He said mysteriously and winked, He led me in to the shop and explained me how to do my work... I had to wrap up clothes and put it in the shelves.  
The whole time I had to think about Toulouse... Who was he really?


	5. Letter from my sister

After a While wrapping things, Tom entered the room.

'I forgot to give you this, Bernard has sent me this.' He said, I wanted to ask from who it was but he already left.

I opened the letter, it was from my sister…

_Dear Sis._

_I miss you. Mother misses you too, she's only too stubborn to show it._

_You know how she is. _

_You were right about the boss in the factory, you see, I work there too now._

_He's an awful man, and couldn't stop touching me. I was afraid to do the same like you…_

_I also met a very nice boy. His name is César, he's everything a girl wants… Strong, kind,… Only problem? He's a sailor. Now he's gone to some place I never heard of and I don't know when he's coming back._

_I hope in time, before our child is born… Yes you read it well, I'm pregnant. Mother is not proud though. It's for July._

_But I know I can handle it._

_Wish me luck._

_Big kisses from your little sister._

I couldn't stop crying, My little sister is pregnant?!

Just like in my dream… This was weird.

Tom came back in.

'So was it bad news?' He asked concerned.

'I don't know, My sister is pregnant.' I said, he took me in his arms.

'I'm sure she will manage.' He said while tried to pull me closer to him, I pushed him away and started to work further. He has got to be kidding.

He looked at me insulted and left the room.

'Men.' I mumbled.

Because of my sister, I stopped thinking about Toulouse. So when I left the shop I barely noticed him when he suddenly walked towards me.

'So, ignoring me?' He asked, I woke up out of my thoughts.

'Oh no. I received a letter from my sister and…' But before I could speak further, I heard Toms Voice behind us.

'I told you to stay away from this guy.' He yelled.

Both of us turned around.

'Well, if it isn't Tom, I haven't seen you awhile.' Toulouse said smiling.

'Shut up you, she's a decent girl.' Tom said but before Tom could do any things he would regret I walked in between them.

'Leave him alone, I still make my own choices.' I said while I pushed Tom away.

'You will regret this.' He whispered in my ear and walked away.

Then I looked at Toulouse.

'What did just happened?' I asked him.

'I don't know, I guess he's jealous.' Toulouse said but I didn't believe him.

'Where haven't you seen him?' I asked him.

'I'm a painter, and I will show you what I paint.'

After a little while we arrived back at Montmartre, at his place.

What he showed me was fantastic, I had no idea he was so talented…

What he painted were prostitutes, but the way he painted them, so fragile.

'I spent a lot of time in brothels.' He said.

Now that hurts.

'And Tom is a visitor?' I asked.

He nodded.

'Tom told me you would make me one.' I said almost whispering, afraid that he was right.

'No, why would I do that?' He asked but it didn't satisfy me… So I put on a fake smile, said thank u for showing his paintings and went back to my room.

There I would fall apart.

'How can I be so stupid?' I asked myself, 'He's no better then all the rest.'

Someone knocked on my door, Oh God, please not Toulouse; he can't see me like this!

So I whipped of the tears, tried to look happy and opened the door, it wasn't Toulouse. But Richard.

I have never been so happy to see him.


	6. I think I broke his heart

I jumped up to hug him.

'I'm guessing you're happy to see me.' He said smiling and gave me a little kiss on my cheek.

In the corner of my eye I saw Toulouse.

'I am! I'm so happy to see a familiar face.' I said and pulled him in to my room.

Richard looked around in my room.

'This is awful.' He whispered and took both of my hand.

'I have been thinking about this since the first time I met you.' He began, but inside of me already knew what he was going to say… Now I know what Tom wanted to say.

I placed my finger on his lips.

'Don't.' I whispered.

'Why?'

'It's not right.'

He sighed. 'How do you know? I can give you everything you've ever wanted.' He said while he pinched my arm furiously.

'That's not what I want!' I yelled, he let go of my arm.

'I could have given you the world, maybe even more, …' but I didn't let him speak any further.

'You know, MY love doesn't cost a thing, money isn't everything and I DON'T love you.'

I Think I broke his heart… 

'Don't expect anything from me anymore.' He said, walked out of the door and slammed it.

Maybe I should have been nicer? 

It was too late now; I just lost my best friend… Even if he gave me the world, the moon and all the stars, I would have never been happy with him because I can't fall in love with him, he was just a friend.

Again someone knocked on my door, I opened it and saw Toulouse.

'I heard yelling.' He said innocent. He made me smile again.

'That was my best friend, who proposed to me and I said no.'

'Oow, That's saw, why did you do that?' He asked, while he was smiling.

'Because I don't love him and then he tried to buy me but you know, love doesn't cost a thing.'

Maybe I was kind of referring to prostitutes who sold theirs.

He nodded. 'I agree with that.' He said a bit sad.

'O and I lost my job.' I said to make him forget the thing I just said.

'How?'

'My best friend is also a good friend of my boss.'

'Maybe he isn't that mad, a real friend wouldn't do that.'

How does he do that? He always brightens my day…

'Anyway, come tonight to a little party I'm giving at my place.' He said while he walked out of the door.

'8 o'clock.'

I could only nod.

Maybe I'm rushing it? I only know him for a few days… but it seems like I've known him forever.

I never believed in love at first sight, but this was it.

So I put on a nice dress I took with me from Toms shop, and some make-up I had with me.

I walked upstairs and I knocked on his door.

'You're early.' He said but he clearly didn't mind. So I walked in.

'Are there going to be a lot of people?' I asked, I was a bit nervous meeting a lot of people.

'No just a few good friends.' He answered and offered me something to drink.

I took the glass that contained the same substance in it as the night before.

After a while a few people had entered the room, one guy draw my attention… or was it the alcohol?

So I walked over to him, because he was already staring at me for a while.

'Hello, my name is Jane Peters, you are?' I asked.

'My name is Maurice Joyant; I'm a friend of Toulouse. You are…?'

'I live downstairs here.'

Suddenly something weird happened… Toulouse fainted. I saw it happen in the corner of my eyes. He was holding a bottle of that drink. No one else noticed it, except for me. I ran towards him and took him in my arms.

'Oh, what do we have to do?' I asked his friend who had followed me.

'I'll get some water.' He said.

I sat there, trying to hold my tears.


	7. He fainted

Maurice ran towards me with a glass of water.

'Let's hope for the best.' He said and put a little water into Toulouse his mouth.

He began to cough.

I was so happy when he opened his eyes. He looked confused around him.

'What did just happen?' He asked surprisingly.

I couldn't hold myself anymore I began to hug him while tears were pouring down.

'I thought you were death.' I said, he shook his head and laughed.

'I takes a lot more to kill me, but I'm flattered by your concerns.' He said and whipped of the tears of my face.

I was surprised of the fact that not many people had noticed… probably the alcohol.

I decided to go to bed, it was late and I was going to see tomorrow if I really did lost my job.

So I said goodbye to everyone, gave a kiss to Toulouse.

I was still scared to leave him behind, what if it happens again and no one notices?

But I can't stay here forever and take care of him as if I was his mother…

So with fear in my heart I left the room and went to bed, but I slept restless.

The whole night I saw the incident before me only worse.

The next morning I woke up again with a knock on my door.

There he was again, Toulouse.

I felt calm again. He was okay.

'Had a good night?' He asked me I saw he brought me breakfast again. He's too sweet.

'Could be better, I have a bad feeling about my job.' I lied; I didn't wanted to sound like some concerned mother.

'You are probably worrying for nothing, besides, if you lose your job, I will help you out.'

We both sat down and I prepared a little sandwich.

'Say, what do you think of Maurice? I saw you talking to him last night.' He asked me, I felt him becoming uncomfortable.

'Oh he seems like a nice guy, didn't really talk to him for a long time, short after he introduced him self to me you fainted.'

Toulouse was very silent now, not usual for him.

'What happened?' I asked.

'I think I had too much to drink.' He answered shortly; he probably didn't wanted to talk about it.

So I changed the subject, asked him what he had in mind for me.

'I don't know yet, I'll think about it.' He said and gently took my hand.

'But I'll promise, I won't turn you in to a prostitute, unless you want it yourself.'

I laughed.

'I can assure this, I would never do that.' With that, he smiled.

'I heard that so much but you know, you have to look them with different eyes.' There was so much warmth in his voice; it made me feel so fragile.

After a while I realised I had to go, so I kissed him goodbye and left.

I arrived at the shop and walked in, instead of Tom there was a woman inside.

'How can I help you?' She asked me polite.

'I work here. Mister Vervoort hired me.'

She looked at me disgusted.

'He did? And what did you have to do?'

'Wrapping of clothes and put them in boxes.'

She sighed.

'Okay, you can start your work.' She said annoyed and went upstairs, probably to ask her husband why he hired a woman without her permission.

So I started working but after 15 minutes, Tom was downstairs and took me by my arm.

'You have the nerve of coming here after what you did to Richard!' He yelled, I never felt so embarrassed in my life; people in the shop were watching us and talking about us.

He took me into a quiet little place.

'Why have you rejected Richard?' He asked furiously.

'I didn't love him.' I hissed and with that he slapped me.

'Again, why don't you love him?'

'Because that's my problem and not yours! And of you don't let go of me I'll…' I couldn't finish my sentence.

'Then what?' He asked and laughed hysterical.

'Don't you realise that now without Richard, you're lost?!' He pushed me against the wall while he tried to untie my clothes.

'I will teach you.' He whispered.

I screamed and he smacked my head against the wall.

'Shut up you slut!'

Lucky for me, his wife stormed in and saved me out of his claws.

I closed my clothes and ran out of the shop. The only thing I could think of was Toulouse.


	8. Jealousy at first sight

When I arrived at Montmartre, I saw Toulouse talk to two beautiful women. I felt a rush of jealousy but decided not to show it. So I walked up to him calm and smiled politely to the two women. Toulouse was surprised to see me in a good way.

'Back so soon?' He asked me worried.

Should I tell him what happened? I looked at the two women.

'Can I speak you for a moment?' I asked and took him with me.

'What's wrong?' He asked me confused.

'Well, it's the last time I take advice from you. He tried to rape me!'

'Didn't see that one coming.' He said ashamed.

I felt guilty. It wasn't his fault…

'But I got away, his wife heard me scream.' Still I could see he blamed it on himself.

'Anyway I'll leave you, I see you were busy.' I said. He nodded and walked away.

I went back to my room and couldn't help myself to stop crying. I missed everyone so badly now.

My sister, my mother, even Richard, …

But it was too late now. I was here in Paris. I was here alone, without a job and without friends.

I decided to write a letter back to my sister and told her everything that happened to me the last few days.

When I got out I saw Toulouse again, he came towards me.

'Hi! I promised you that if you would lose your job I would help you.'

'True, so, what did you have in mind?' I asked curious.

'What would you think of becoming my model? For paintings?'

That was unexpected.

'I don't know what to say.' I said blushing, he just asked me to be his model!

'If you don't want to…' But I didn't let him talk any further.

'I would love to.' I said smiling.

So every cloud has his silver lining indeed.

'When?' I asked excited.

'Tomorrow, if that's alright with you?'

I nodded.

'Off course it is.'

He walked further. I wonder what he does all day except for searching models.

I posted my letter when suddenly I heard someone behind me.

'Good day my lady.'

I turned around and saw Maurice.

'Hi, how are you?' I asked. I wasn't expecting him.

'Good. Thanks. So Toulouse just told me what happened.'

I blushed; I was hoping he didn't told whole Montmartre.

'O yes, but I got away.' I said.

He touched my cheek softly.

'Some men don't know their limits.' He whispered.

'Do you want to drink something?'

'I would love that.' And walked with him to a nearby pub.

'So, I also heard Toulouse was going to ask you to be his model?'

I nodded.

'Yes, he asked me.'

'And?'

'I said yes.'

He went further.

'Have you seen any of his paintings?'

I thought for a moment about the paintings I had seen.

'Yes, they are so wonderful… Toulouse is very talented.' I said dreamy.

Our drinks arrived when I saw Toulouse coming in. I waved at him but clearly, that's not they way Maurice wanted it…

'I better go, I'll see you later!' He said to me and stood up, gave a nod to Toulouse who took his place of the table.

'What were you talking about?' He asked me.

'Oh, about tomorrow.'

Toulouse looked worried.

'Something wrong?' But he shook his head.

'No, not really.' He said smiling.

I still didn't understand… What was going on between them?


	9. The painting

So we both drank our drinks, but I noticed Toulouse wasn't himself. He was silent, not happy and enthousiast as usual.

'What's wrong?' I asked, I couldn't stand it anymore. He shook his head.

'Nothing, I'm just worried.'

'About what?'

'About Maurice and you.'

So now it was coming out what it was all about.

'What do you mean?'

'You don't know the guy, he's mean and selfish... I just don't want you to be unhappy. You mean alot to me.'

Was he serious about this? I couldn't help smiling.

'There's nothing between me and Maurice, he's just kind to me.'

'He's kind for a reason.'

'How?'

Toulouse sighed, he clearly didn't wanted to talk about it. I smiled.

'Toulouse, don't worry. I can take care of myself.'

'I guess so.' He whispered silently.

I stood up and walked over to him, bowed down to hug him.

'Thank you for your concerns, I really appreciate this.' With those words I kissed him softly on his mouth maybe in hope he would get the message that I don't want Maurice, I wanted someone else.

There was a blush on his face, he didn't expected that to happen.

'I...you... I'm glad you think that way.' There were little sparkles in his eyes of happiness and with that he became back the happy enthousiastic Toulouse I know.

We both said goodbye after a long time and went back to our rooms.

_Next Morning._

A loud knock on my door, I woke up.

'I was hoping to get some rest.' I muttered and opened the door... yes, it was Toulouse.

'Goodmorning! I was hoping you were still asleep and you were, that's good.' He said enthousiast.

'Okay. Why is that?' I said still speepy.

'I wanted to paint you in the morning, just awake, that's when you're the most beautiful.'

I blushed. He was so sweet...

'What do I have to do?'

'Just lay down on the bed, and wake up. I will paint the moment.'

So I did.

'How do you usual wake up?'

'With you knocking on my door.'

He laughed.

'No not that, silly, the position you usually lay into.'

So I did, I put my hand underneath my pillow while I layed down on my belly.

'Great, now lay still.'

First he made a sketch and next he began to paint. He was concentrated, I had never seen him like that before.

After a while he stopped.

'Can I see it.' I asked but he shook his head.

'Not yet, it's not finished yet.

He stood up and took the painting careful with him.

'No you stay here, I'll be right back.'

He walked out of the door and left me behind. After a few minutes he was back.

'I'll pay you, how much do you want?'

I didn't know what to say.

'I... I don't know.' I muttered, he smiled.

'I'll give you this.' He opened my hand and put what to me felt like paper. I couldn't believe it. I had never had so much money.

'I can't accept this.' I said but he put a finger on my mouth.

'Don't, you deserve this.' He said and kissed me softly on my cheek.

I couldn't stop blushing.


	10. My concerned mother

_Authors note: I'm sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter, it's just I'm really busy with school and I have to write this in my spare time… which is not much. Anyway, I've learned some cool new stuff at school about art at the end of the 19__th__ century. I wanted to add Vincent Van Gogh in the story but since he died in 1890 he can't appear because the story is set in 1895. Vincent knew Toulouse for a little while, that's why I had to idea for a while to put him into the story..._

I didn't knew how to feel at that moment... I wanted to tell him how I felt. It was the perfect moment. But the moment was interrupted by a knock on the door. I opened the door and saw Richard?

'Dear, I miss you so much! I heard what happened between you and...' He didn't speak further, because he saw a man in my room.

'I didn't knew you had visitors.'

'This is Toulouse, a friend of mine.'

'What kind of name is that? Toulouse is a place... People don't name their children to places, That's like calling your daughter Paris, ridiculous!' Richard was jealous, he always was when other men spoke to me, except for friends of his.

'It's not my full name.' He simply said. 'But I guess you were smart enough to figure that out.'

Richard walked aggresive up to him, but I took his hand, Richard calmed down.

'Why are you here?' I asked him, he turned around to me.

'I heard what happened, I..I'm sorry, I didn't know, Forgive me.'

'I forgive you.' I said and hugged him. I heard a sigh, it was Toulouse.

'Come back with me to Belgium.' Richard whispered in my ear, I shook my head. 'I can't do that... This is my home now.' I said and let go of him.

It was the last time I saw Richard... He left and never returned, he didn't even sent letters to me...

Weeks went by when I recieved a letter of my mother.

_Dear Jane,_

_I wanted to tell you your sister has left to Paris one week ago. Take her in your home, she had a difficult time. Her love has left her for a richer and older lady, now she's alone and pregnant, I don't know if she arrived yet, but look for her! She probably has to much pride to knock on your door and ask for help. I hope your okay too, I miss you. _

My eyes were filled with tears, it was almost Christmas now, time of family... Maybe Toulouse knew more about it?

I went upstairs to his room, knocked on his door. 'I hope he's not busy.' I whispered to myself. The door went open, I saw woman. 'Hi, Toulouse there?' I asked, I felt a pinch in my heart.

'Yes.' Toulouse came from behind her. He smiled. 'How can I help you?'

'Did you noticed someone new around here?' I asked, 'My sister arrived here and I have to find her.' He thought for a moment. 'I might have heard rumours, I'm not sure though...' I was so excited. 'Where?'


	11. My sister in Paris

'I don't think you want to know, I can ask some information, what's her name?'

'Louisa Peters, but where?'

I was trembling on my feet trying to hold me tears. My little sister, what has become from her?

'That's her alright.' I heard someone say. It was the woman who opened the door. In the corner of my eye I saw Toulouse, he looked concerned. What happened to her?

'You are going to tell me where she is!' I yelled.

Toulouse was holding my hand now. 'I'll take you there.' He said and we both walked out of the door.

On the way there was only silence. I couldn't say a word because of the constant questions in my head. Toulouse tried too, but I ignored it. After a while we arrived at the place. The old walls of Paris, There I saw her, My sister... She loooked tired, had a little belly, she was talking to a man. I ran up to her.

'Louisa!' I yelled, tears in my eyes. She looked up and wanted to run away but I've always been faster. I caught her pulling her arm.

'Why are you running?'

I saw my sister crying.

'Let go of me. I can take care of myself.'

'What? By selling your body?!'

'It's something!'

'Come with me.' I whispered

'I don't need your help!' She released her arm and went running again until a certain point, she suddenly stopped. Toulouse was now next me.

'I'm sure she'll come back, at the moment she has to much pride.'

'I hope so... She's only 14 years old.'

We both turned around and walked away when I heard a voice behind me. My sister. 'Wait!' She yelled. I stopped.

'Are you going to stay with me ?'

She nodded her head.

'I will.' I smiled and hugged her.

We arrived back at my place.

'Jane, your painting is almost done, if you want you can come tonight?' But I shook my head.

'Really kind, but tonight I'm staying with my sister.'

'She can come too if she wants.' He didn't had to say that twice, my sister jumped up.

'Off course, we will be there.'

'Okay, we will come.' I said and gave him a small kiss.

'Thanks for helping me.' I whispered in his ear.

'You know you can count on me.'

He walked away and I closed the door, I sighed.

'I knew it!' I looked at my sister who was grinning. 'What did you knew?'

'You have those sparkles in your eyes. You are in love!'

I couldn't stop blushing. 'I'm not!'

'Oh sis, I know you better then you know yourself.'

'He's a friend.'

'You never looked at your other friends that way.'

My sister was right, the first time I met him he has put a spell on me. My silence was for my sister enough.

'You love him, and do you think he loves you in return?'

'I don't know.' I whispered, I didn't want to think about it actually. He was most of the time surrounded by women 10 times more beautiful then me.

'I'm sure he is! Your gorgeous! He must be really blind if he didn't saw that.'

My sister always had a way to cheer me up.

'Anyway, first I'm going to write a letter to mum, she was worried sick about you.'

'She kicked me out!'

That wasn't said in the letter.

'Still she is worried, she probably regrets it.'


	12. Things I didn't wanted to know

A sigh. 'She hates me for being pregnant, did you knew she tried to kill my baby?!'

I stopped writing.

'Why?!'

'She thought a baby would ruin my future, she also told me she didn't wanted me to become like you.'

I was furious. How could my own mother say something like that? I never felt so hurt in my whole life… 'Then why did she wrote this letter?' I showed my little sister the letter my mother wrote to me.

'She probably felt guilty or something.'

I tore the letter in to pieces. How could my mother be so such a cold-hearted woman?

'I don't her sympathy or her regrets, she's on her own now.' My sister was shocked by my reactions. 'You must be really hurt.' She whispered and hugged me. 'It's okay.'

I've always been a good girl, I'm still a virgin and the time I went to school I had very good grades. Teachers found it sad to see me leave. They thought it was a shame that a talented young girl such as me didn't have the chance to prove herself. My mother on the other hand thought I was spoiled. I went to school until my 16, which is very late for people like me and after I was lazy in her eyes because all I did was spending my times reading books. Other people would have loved a daughter like me, but in the society I lived in, things were different. We were supposed to live, work and die.

'Ending up like me.' I muttered. 'If you would have ended up like me, you wouldn't be pregnant.'

'Hey! Don't take it out on me!'

'I'm sorry.' I knew my sister couldn't help it. My sister was everything my mother loved. She dropped school together with me only she was 12 years old. My sister was never scared of a little dirty work; she would do anything to earn money. She didn't care about knowledge, only work. Also in appearance we were not alike. I was rather small but very feminine; she was a tall girl but had no figure whatsoever.

Still, I always thought my mother saw me as her favourite one, because she knew I would leave this poor society one day. Not unlike my sister, she would always be part of the low life society. My mother thought I would make her rich too… But now because I left her, she hates me.

I tried not to think about it. We both got ready to see my painting back at Toulouses place.

Arrived there, he opened the door very enthusiastic.

'Come in!' He said smiling. 'Are you always this happy?' My sister asked laughing.

'Oh no, only on good days.'

There was a painting that catches my eye immediately, the one with a large white sheet over it.

'Is that my painting?' I asked pointing at that. He nodded his head. Slowly he walked towards the painting. 'Oh come one, you are such a tease!' For some reason my sister always had more luck with the boys, probably because of her big mouth… I looked at Toulouse to see his reaction. 'I can walk slower if you want?' He said irritated.

'Oh please, you're only torturing me that way.' I said sad and took a sad face. 'I can't resist you're pretty face.' I saw my sister blinking at me. If only she could be a little more discrete…

He took the sheet of the painting and… it was wonderful! I had never seen something like that before. I couldn't speak anymore.

'It's beautiful.' I whispered softly, I could see on his face he was very proud of it. 'I'm proud myself, if I may say so.'

My sister was just staring; she has never been so silent.

'Is that you?' She suddenly brought out. I nodded my head. 'Wow, it's fantastic, you are really talented!'

There was a blush on his face. 'Now, please not too much compliments, I'm not good on handling them.'

We all sat down and Toulouse have us a glass of absinth. 'I don't think my sister is ready drink that.' My sister looked insulted at me. 'I'm not a little baby anymore.'

'You're having one, so it's not good for you.' I looked at Toulouse to get some back up. 'That's right, I didn't think of that.' He took her glass back. My sister was a bit grumpy but she knew I was right.


	13. Maurice his note

_Authors note: I know this is a short chapter but I don't have much time and I really wanted to update. _

"So, Have you got any plans for Christmas yet?" Toulouse asked me kindly.

"Not yet, why?"

"O, I thought, maybe we could do something."

"Not going to your family?"

There was a sad look on his face.

"No, but if you don't want to."

"I'd love too.' I saw a smile on his face. "Great!"

"HEY!"

I turned my face to my sister.

"What?"

"Making plans without me?"

"Off course, your sister can come too if she wants too." Toulouse said a bit disappointed.

When we left him my sister was still a bit moody.

"He likes you too." She said after a little while, I smiled. Still I didn't want to get any false hope. "I'm trying to stay sober about all this."

When we arrived at our door, there was a little note at my door.

_Dear Jane,_

_Meet me at Moulin Rouge, tomorrow 8 o' clock._

_Maurice._

My sister gave me the look. "Who is Maurice? Another admirer?" I nodded.

"What does he want from you?" My sister asked excited.

"I don't know… I have to tell Toulouse about this."

We both crawled in our bed only I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about Maurice, why did he want to meet me?

Next morning I went to Toulouse, he opened the door a bit sleepy.

"I hope you have breakfast." He said yawning.

"Not really, I have something with me." I gave the little note to Toulouse.

"What does he want?"

There was a concerned look on his face.

"I knew he was up to something."


	14. At the Moulin Rouge

"Now you lost me." I said and took the note back.

"Don't go tonight." He begged me. "Please don't go."

"I won't go." I sighed. Why was he so scared, wasn't it clear I didn't wanted Maurice? I haven't spoken to him in weeks. I went back to my room.

'What did he say?" my sister asked when I entered the room.

"He told me not to go, more information I didn't got."

"Maybe you should go." My sister was right. There was something strange going on between the two of them. I thought they were friends? I was going to find out why they were acting so strange. I read the note again. Moulin rouge? I know I heard of it, but where?

"Louisa? Have you heard of Moulin rouge before?" She thought for a moment.

"Yes. It's some kind of a cabaret, I think."

"Do you know where it is?"

"Somewhere in Pigalle. Don't ask me what that is."

I knew that… There was the red light district. Why did he want me to come there? Suddenly I didn't felt the urge to go there anymore. I was scared. I didn't know what he was up to.

I can't ask Toulouse because I already said I wasn't going. Maybe if he came with me?

"I think you need new clothes if you're going." My sister suddenly said.

"What? I don't even know if I'm going." But my sister didn't listen anymore. "It's perfect! I have a plan!"

My sister ran out of the door with her money she had earned while she was at the old walls of Paris. "Listen, you are going to make Toulouse jealous, he won't ever admit his feelings if you keep acting like the Virgin Mary. Show him what you're worth!"

There was a point in her explanation. Still I thought it wouldn't be a great idea.

We arrived at a boutique where they had gorgeous dresses. My sister dragged me in.

"Come on, put this on!" She showed me this beautiful red dress. "It will perfectly match your blonde hair."

I looked in the mirror. It was so beautiful…

"If he doesn't fall for this one, he's blind."

Later that day I got dressed and fixed my hair.

"You look beautiful!" She said proud. That moment someone knocked on my door.

My sister opened it and saw Toulouse. "Is your sister here?" I heard his voice.

When he walked in his mouth almost fell open. His eyes widened. The effect I wanted to create with him? "Y…you look beautiful, why the dress?" There was a little despair in his voice.

"I decided to find out what Maurice wants."

"In that dress?"

"I guess so if he takes me to the Moulin rouge."

"I still think it's not a good idea."

"Come with me."

"He'll walk away if he sees me."

I couldn't believe it. Instead if just explaining to me what was going on?

"Don't tell me I didn't warn you." With one last look at me he disappeared out of my room, out of the door. "He's jealous." My sister whispered.

I was walking towards the place were we should meet. Right on time. There he was, he looked very handsome in the suit he was wearing. He was clearly astonished when he saw me.

"And you were allowed to walk out of the door like this?" He said smiling and he took my hand. But I kept in mind why I appeared here.

"At first I thought you wouldn't even come. I thought Toulouse would convince you not to come."

"He tried to, but I didn't listen."

We both walked in to the Moulin rouge, it was more then I thought it would be. We both took place at a little table.

"Now, tell me. Why did you want to meet me?"

"I wanted to speak to you about Toulouse, what do you know about him?"

When I wanted to answer a lady came towards us and asked us if we wanted to drink something.

"2 glasses of absinth please." Maurice answered.

When she went away he looked back at me.

"He's a painter."

"More?"

"Yes, I know he broke both of his legs when he was a child, they never fully repaired."

"Everyone knows that."

"I'm not going to repeat his whole life."

"Did you know he suffered delirium, he barely sleeps?"

I mentioned something like that to me; I didn't know it was because of that.

"He drinks to much. He doesn't has much time left to live, you saw him that night fainting."

I felt tears coming up to me. When the lady brought us our drinks I drank it all up at once.

"I know how you feel. I'm not blind. I never thought I would say this but." He paused for a second, a sigh.

"I love you and I know you're in love with Toulouse. I know, he doesn't see it. I wish you were mine."


	15. Delirium

I sat there. My mouth was open and I just stared at him.

"You love me?"

He could only nod. "Please, think about. Just try to look at Toulouse differently; you'll see what I'm talking about."

"She doesn't love me nor does she love you." A voice from behind said, I turned around to see Toulouse. My heart just skipped a beat and I felt myself glowing. He had heard our entire conversation!

"I knew you were evil, but this evil?"

"You're not yourself."

Suddenly Toulouse became angry. His hand slammed on the table where we were sitting.

"You threat me like I'm crazy, like I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm not!" His face was all red. I put a hand on his shoulder but he pushed it away.

"Don't touch me, you have done enough." He turned around and walked away, tears were filling in my eyes.

"See. He's not himself. Delirium gets you paranoia."

"I need to talk to him." Was the only thing I could say, I ran out of the Moulin rouge straight to Toulouse. It wasn't hard catching him up.

"Wait!" I yelled but Toulouse didn't turned around. I grabbed him by his shoulder.

"Go back to Maurice." He said silently.

"No. Why would I do that? I just wanted to know what he wanted."

"He wants you or wasn't he clear enough?"

"I don't want him."

There was a sigh.

"That's not what it looked like."

"What are you afraid of?"

Silence.

"You're great and." A pause. "I just care about you."

I was hoping for a "I love you." Why didn't he just tell me that? Or maybe he wasn't in love with me?

"I care about you too. I'm worried! I thought Maurice was a friend of yours?"

"I thought the same but one day he just started to call me crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm just in a lot of pain."

"He told me you suffered delirium."

"See! Delirium… he probably doesn't even knows what it means." I didn't know what to feel anymore. Maybe Maurice lied about it, to get me.

At my place we said goodbye and I got in. There was my sister waiting for me.

"So, how did it go?" There was huge smile on my face but it faded away when she saw me with a sad look.

"Maurice loves me and has been telling things about Toulouse, which I hope aren't true." My sister jumped up to me to hug me.

…

Christmas 

My sister and I got ready. I had to say it myself, we both looked gorgeous.

"What was Toulouse planning to do?" My sister asked me but to be honest. I had no idea. So I shook my head.

When we arrived at his place we saw there were more people there, also Maurice?

I said this to my sister.

"He's very handsome." She whispered in my ear. Typically my sister. Toulouse greeted us warmly.

"My dear Jane, I'm very happy you came. You can see I invited Maurice too, it's because it's Christmas and on Christmas we shouldn't fight." It was obvious he had already drunk.

My sister seemed to get a lot of attention from the male people there; only Maurice was the one who couldn't stop staring at me. He had a blurry look in his eyes. I wonder how much he had to drink. After a while he came towards me. I could smell the alcohol from far.

"Jane." He whispered in my ear.


	16. Christmas party

I was so disgusted by it. His hand touched my shoulder. "Jane, have you been thinking about what I said?" I nodded my head.

"yes, I have."

"So?" His hand was now on my waist, I pushed it away.

"Leave me alone." I whispered, but that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He took my throat in his hands. Suddenly there was my sister who watched me the whole time. She pushed Maurice away. Next was Toulouse there.

"Who did you called crazy?!" He screamed at Maurice. "You should be ashamed! At home you have a wife and 2 children!"

Did I just heard he had a family?! He was probably some bored husband who needed something new. Toulouse was right after all, he couldn't be trusted. Why didn't Toulouse told me so from the beginning? I would have pushed him away much earlier.

In my head there was a picture of his family. A beautiful wife and two lovely daughters.

I saw Maurice going out of the door stumbling. He would now go back to his wife, tell her nothing happened and sleep with her.

"Are you okay?" Someone asked me, it was Toulouse. I nodded my head.

"I'm okay." I whispered. I felt so filthy. I'm not the kind of woman who would destroy a love. That's just sick! I hated Maurice now. If every man in this world would be like him, there would be no love.

"He called me crazy." Toulouse smiled in a way that said enough. It was something like: Didn't I told you?

There was a lot of alcohol next and I didn't remember much of the rest of the evening.

Next morning I woke up noticing my sister wasn't here. She was probably with some guy she met last night. The first thing I checked was that I was in my own place and not someone elses. I was, so next thing was looking for my sister.

On the way I met Toulouse.

"Have you seen my sister?"

"I think she left with François, I'm not sure though."

There was a weird smile on his face.

"Where does he live?"

"Somewhere at rue Lamarck."

"How do you feel?" He suddenly asked me.

There was something weird going on, Toulouse acted so strange.

"I'm fine, I have a bit of a headache. That's all."

"Are you sure?" He got more dissapointed with the second.

Did something happen?

"I'm going no. Looking for my sister."

"You do that." And he took off.

There was something weird about it. Something must have happened...

On the way I ran into my sister.

"Already looking for me?" She said with a grin. "Yes, I was worried about you!"

On the way I couldn't stop thinking about Toulouse.

"Do you know what happened last night?"

"You don't remember?"

Oh God... Something has happened.

"What happened?"

"You kissed Toulouse."

That's why he acted so strange. Poor guy, he kissed me and I don't remember anymore. I tried to fit the pieces, find memories.

_Author's note: The piece of Maurice was dedicated to my exboyfriend who didn't had the power to fight for our relationship and took someone else to have something new. Only the girl knew he had a relationship and she flirted with him. If she thought like Jane, Devin would have never left me. I HATE YOU GALINA! Sorry, that was my revenge. _


	17. The kiss

There were the pieces…

**It was a few hours after Maurice had left, I was still sad and thinking about it. Never felt that worse in my entire life. Next was Toulouse, he went was sitting right next me. "You okay?" He asked me worried while he put a hand on my shoulder. I shook my head. "How can I ever believe in love if every guy I meet can only decieve and lie?" I put my head on to his shoulder. "Not every guy you meet is like that." He was whiping the tears of my face. We looked in eachothers eyes andhis face came closer to mine. We were alone in a corner, no one notices us. His lips almost touched mine. What was stopping us? Next, the kiss. Soft, tender. I could feel his grip thightning as if I would run away but I wouldn't even try to because everything felt so right at that moment.**

I woke up out of my day dream. How could I forget that? It was a real kiss there and it was wonderful. I was in love!

I wanted to run upstairs and tell him how I felt.

**After our kiss he looked in to my eyes. "Ever since I met you I have loved you." I whispered in his ear. I saw him smiling. "I felt the same way." He kissed me again only more passionate then the first time. I felt his tongue soflty massaging mine. My first real kiss.**

I would ran upstairs and tell him I remembered. So I did, I ran upstairs and saw the door opene. I stepped in and I saw him lying on the floor. There was an empty bottle next him. I took him in my arms and began to cry. I could feel his breath slowing down. He was still alive! I began to yell, someone has to hear me?!

Finally someone had called a doctor. He told me Toulouse had almost a alcohol poisining. He had to go to a hospital or even better a rehab.

The next weeks were so painful, I was most of the time sitting in my room. I was thinking about Toulouse, if only I had remembered...

"Come let's go out?" My sister had asked me so many times but I had no power to stand up and forget about him. I had no idea where he was. I heard somewhere in the south of France, but that could be anywhere...

_2 February_

I was staring out of the window when I saw a little person arriving in the streets of Montmartre. I felt my heart beating again because with every step the man took I knew it was Toulouse. So I jumped up and ran downstairs to greet him.

"You're back!" I yelled, he was clearly happy to see me.

"Jane! Yes I'm back, they couldn't get me down." He said with a wink to me, I blushed.

"About Christmas." I wanted to say but he put a finger on my mouth.

"I realise you were drunk, so was I, let's forget about it."

_Ouch... _

Let's forget about it... the man who just gave me my first kiss has just told me it ment nothing. I wanted to cry but I had to stay strong.

"You're right." I said and put on a fake smile.

"Let's celebrate you're back!" I hugged him. Deep down I was dieing.

My sister came down wit her new boyfriend François.

"You're back." She said surprised and hugged him too.

"I didn't knew people would miss me this much." Toulouse was enjoying the attention. I couldn't blame him.


	18. My life which I didn't want

_Authors note: I've noticed I put alot of one of my best friends in Toulouse, or maybe that's because they are so much alike. Both are great talented artists and in pain. Even the alcohol usage they have in common._

Meanwhile my sister has accepted a job in the moulin rouge, she was a dancer. Maybe I envied her. She was talented enough to get there. Toulouse spended more time with her then with me. I had to admit I was jealous.

At the same time there was Maurice still. I was on my way home after a long night work. I had a job in a bakery. I heard a voice behind me.

"Long time no seen? How are you?" I turned around to see it was Maurice. I nodded kindly and stepped right on through. But that didn't stop him.

"Please, I can explain."

"What? How you are actually married?!"

"I'm not happy in my marriage. I was forced to marry her."

"You have children."

"Which is part of the commitment. Please, you're the one I love."

But I didn't love him, or did I? Why else did I cared so much?

"I'm no good, I realise that. But I believe I can make you happy."

I was thinking about Toulouse. How he was with my sister, talking with her, flirting, sleeping with her? The thought of it made me sick. Tears in my eyes.

"I love someone else."

"Where is he? Does he make you happy? Does he tell you how beautiful you are?"

No. Was the answer. But the truth is so hard. I want to close my eyes and in my dream would Toulouse love me. He would kiss me like on Christmas eve. I had ruin it myself, if only I had remembered on time.

"Come with me." He whispered, why did I thought of Richard that moment? Because he had asked me too? Probably, At this moment I regret it the most.

"I have to think about it." I said almost crying, I didn't wanted to go. But to stay here dreaming about something that would never be was not option either. I walked further, leaving a confused Maurice. At my place I saw my sister. She was fixing her make – up. She had changed so hard the last few days.

"Are you going out?" She nodded.

"François is taking me to Nice."

"You don't have to work?"

"I'm on vacation, a girl needs her rest." I watched her. Her belly was growing. She looked so mature. 14 years but so much more mature.

"What are you going to do?" She was worried about me, instead of being a different person I was still the good shy Belgian girl.

"I don't know. Maurice has asked me to be with him." My sister shook her head.

"Why? He's no good!"

"I don't know, I guess I'm tired of living like this. I want some more secure things in my life."

"Whatever floats your boat. But that's not the sister I know." My sister got out of the door. She was right. If that was the life I wanted I would have left with Richard. But I didn't. Maybe I should write a letter?

That idea was interrupted by Toulouse storming in to my room.

"How did you get in!?" I yelled shocked.

"The door was open."

"You could have knocked."

I was confusing him, he looked around as if he couldn't remember why he stormed in the first place.

"Oh, yes, You are going to be with that... That pig!"

Maurice was already spreading the word? I didn't even decided!

"I said I would think about it. So I would loose him." Toulouse looked relieved.

"Good heavens. I already thought you were losing your mind."

I didn't wanted to speak to him. Seeing him makes me feel so fragile.

"I have to get some sleep, my work takes alot of energy."

He looked dissapointed, I actually been avoiding him since he came back from the hospital.

"I guess if you're choosing Maurice his side." He wanted to walk away like always. "Stop." I said softly. Toulouse stopped and turned around to see my tears. I wish he didn't saw me like this. He came towards me and hugged me.


	19. A goal to live for

_Authors note: I'm sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter. I have been really busy. I do have some great news. I know how absinth tastes because I drank it last night! I was in this bar and suddenly I saw it on the menu card. Off course I took the chance. It tastes likes Ouzo or something. I liked it! Only it was very heavy… My friends asked me to warn them if I started hallucinating. But so far I feel pretty good besides they have changed some of the ingredients because absinth used to be forbidden but now it's back legal._

"Life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to be." I whispered in his ear. "Why? What did you want?"

"If I wanted to work in a bakery I could have stayed in Belgium as well." He was holding both of my hands now. "You…you're not leaving, are you?" he looked very sad, I think he was almost crying.

"I don't know, I really don't know what to do."

"Don't." I could feel tears coming up, why did he make it so hard? I wanted to leave him but I just can't. "What do you want? I can give it to you." His whole body was trembling; I took him into my arms. He was so fragile. So sweet. I wanted to scream that I love him more then I loved anything in the world but I couldn't. "I want to be something, I don't want to be anonymous not anymore." I heard myself say, the perfect lie. I felt so stupid at the same time. It was the perfect moment to tell him how I felt but I couldn't. The fear that he would reject me was too big.

"I can help you." He said proud, he thought that would save me, hold me here. Maybe, but for how long before my heart starts to break again?

"It's not going to be easy, women don't get much recognition.

At the moment my whole body was glowing from happiness. He was trying so hard to make me happy. It almost made me cry.

"You could start at the Moulin rouge, a beautiful girl…" I wouldn't let him speak any further. "I'd rather not, I'm not my sister."

"Any other talents?"

"Writing?" I thought back at my school time, when we had to write stories for the teacher, were they any good? The answer was no, they were boring and I never got good grades for them, I was better in things like maths and geography. I shook my head.

"No, I'm not talented." I sighed and threw myself on the bed.

"Off course you are, there ha got to be something you can do well."

"Sell bread." I muttered.

"Don't be so pessimistic, can you sing?"

For some reason I started laughing maybe because one time I was singing a song really loud at my home and the neighbours came to us and complained about a cat who was dying. Or so they thought.

"No, please. You can't do this to the world."

"You're not really helping."

"I know that, it's just I'm no good."

"Can you draw?" I thought for a second. Drawing?

"I think so, it's just it has been awhile." I saw a smile on his face. "Perfect."

He took a piece of card box (Paper is very expensive) and a pencil.

"Show me what you can." Nervous I took the pencil. What did I have to draw? I thought about my mother, try to remember her face. Her sad worried eyes, they were perfectly blue, She had gorgeous blonde hair and her hair was tight up in some sort of scarf.

"You're pushing a bit to hard." Toulouse whispered in my ear. He took my hand softly and guided me. After awhile he took the drawing and smiled. "You are talented." He said proudly. "Who is it?"

"My mother." I missed her so hard now. I would write a letter to her and tell her what my sister told me. Deep inside of me I was hoping my sister wasn't right.

"If you want I could teach you." It was actually perfect; it would give me more time with Toulouse.

"Okay, I'll do it."

The next months I was working really hard. I could paint the classics very well. And after awhile impressionism didn't had many secrets for me.

It was already June and my sister's pregnancy was almost over. It was in the middle of the night of the 14th June I heard my sister scream. The rest of the night was confusing. I called a nurse who lived in the building and after hours of screaming and horrible pain, my sister gave birth of a little son, she called him César, just like the father of the child.

Toulouse was standing just outside, watching me while I was holding the baby. My sister was resting. "Look, you would be the perfect mother." I smiled, there was a feeling inside of me that told me I wanted to be a mother some day. "Maybe." I whispered, I layed the baby softly in a little bed my sister bought for him. Toulouse was holding my hand now while we both watched the little one sleep.

"Do you want children someday?" I asked him, there was a sad look on his face.

"Which woman would want a child from a monster like me?" He said softly. I felt his hand slip away and saw him walking out of the door. The only thing I could think about was how I wanted a child.


	20. The proposition of Toulouse

In whole the excitement of painting and my sisters pregnacy I had forgotten my own mother. The day after the birth of the little César I wrote a letter back to my mother.

_Dear Mother,_

_I know it has been awhile since I last wrote a letter to you. My sister had told me you kicked her out of the house after you tried to kill her baby. Well, she is here and she just gave birth of a beautiful son called César, like the father. She's very happy and wealthy and is soon to be wed to François a rich and nice man. I know you despise me but I don't understand why. Was it because I left you? I don't expect an answer from you since your heart is cold and death. _

_From your daughter, Jane._

Tears were falling down because I realised how hard this letter was. It would break mothers heart but she would realise what she had done. Or atleast that's what I hoped. Behind me I heard the voice of Toulouse.

"You said you had painted something different?"

"Yes, I heard of symbolism, I think that's more my style." Symbolism is deeper, painting impressionism didn't really satisfy me.

"It isn't really new actually, it's founded in the 80's."

"Still I think it's more me, impressionism is a bit boring, the subjects aren't really original."

"It's your choice but I can't help you with that."

Like always he turned around and walked away. He's so mysterious. Sigh...

That night I remembered the annoying things of a baby, the crying at night. It was horrible, couldn't sleep and in the morning I looked like a zombie. When I entered the room from Toulouse, he could see I wasn't like I usually am.

"I assume you didn't sleep that well."

"Really?" I snared back, I really need sleep at night. "The baby is horrible." I threw myself on his warm bed. "It can't be that bad." He was now laying next me. I could barely keep my eyes open until I heard the soft words of Toulouse.

"Close your eyes and sleep, you deserve it."

Before I knew it I fell asleep and it was almost noon when I woke up. I opened my eyes and saw him, he had fallen asleep next me which was very cute to see. I silently stood up but when I reached the door he already woke up.

"Already leaving?" He muttered softly. "I didn't wanted to wake you up."

"Do you want something to drink or eat?" I couldn't refuse his sweet offer. While he prepared dinner he was being very nervous.

"Something wrong?" He shook his head. While we were eating I saw his hands trembling. "I have a question." I heard his voice say. "With the baby with your sister, I was wondering if you wanted to stay here until the baby doesn't need to be fed anymore at night or when your sister decides to live with her friend."

There was so much hope in his eyes. I could only smile.

"Off course, I would love that. If I'm not too much trouble."

"No, not at all!"

I went back to my place to get my things, there was my sister feeding her lovely baby. "Where are you going, not to Maurice I hope." I laughed.

"Off course not, I'm moving over to Toulouse, just to have a good night rest."

"Lucky you, you aren't even a couple and he asks you to move over to him, mine isn't even thinking about living together."

"I thought you were about to get married?"

"I thought that too, he always said after the baby is born but now he can't because his mother is ill, he always has an excuse."

I felt sorry for my sister, so this François is no good just like all the other men she has dated in her life.

My first night with Toulouse... I wonder what that will be.


	21. Unfortunate event

On my way to his place (taking the stairs to the next floor) I saw Maurice. He looked troubled.

"I'm sorry I'm late, my wife died and I had to stay with the children, but I hope you have thought about my offer." It did explained why I haven't seen him in a very long while, I was actually hoping he had given up on me but he had more hope then ever, now his wife is dead.

"How did she died? Where are your children?" I could only think about his lovely children who are now alone at some place.

"She died not that long after her trip to Africa, She loved travelling but it became her death. It started with fever and one day she was gone. Doctors couldn't explain. The children are at my mothers place."

There was a silence. I felt sorry for him, he seemed very sad about it even though he said he didn't love her. He had to have some feelings for the woman who was married to him for 10 years.

"I have to go, Toulouse is expecting me." But he took my arm. "You didn't answer my question, my offer." I shook my head.

"I don't want to. I love someone else and I'm about to live with him for awhile what were you thinking when you saw I was carrying my stuff?" He didn't said a word and let go of him, turned his face around. "What about my children, they need a mother."

"You will find someone, just not me." I walked further, sometimes you make choices and you have to hurt someone, those things happen. I didn't wanted to hurt him but he left me no choice.

I arrived at Toulouse his place, knocked on the door and there he was.

"I'm happy you're here, I hope you didn't had to much trouble carrying your things?"

"No, not at all. I did met Maurice on the way." The smile on his face faded away.

"Oh. Really? What did he said?"

"His wife died and he asked me the same as last time."

"What did you said?"

"No, what did you think? If I said yes I wouldn't be here." He nodded.

"I guess you're right." There was a little smile on his face. "How is he coping with the loss of his wife?"

"Not good I think, he looked very sad."

"So he has feelings." I knew there has to be something good about Maurice, he is a good man after all, I just didn't love him.

I put my clothes in his wardrobe, well most of it, the rest I left on a chair that was standing there.

"I will organise it better later, for today it has to be that way."

There was a knock on the door, I opened the door and saw a beautiful woman.

"Is Toulouse there?" She asked in a very Russian accent. I looked at him, I saw him shaking his head.

"No I'm sorry he isn't, leave a message and he'll get back to you."

"Tell him Annushka was here, tell him I'm leaving to England." She turned around and gracefully walked away.

I closed the door and turned around to see his reaction.

"I once painted her, I haven't finished her painting, I probably never will."

She was beautiful, one of the most beautiful I had ever seen, I didn't understand why he couldn't finish her painting. But I decided not to ask, most of time he would avoid questions that included private answers.

I had 2 feelings, I was insecure. That woman was 10 times more beautiful then me but why didn't he wanted to paint her? He painted me.

Another feeling was getting to me. I've never slept with a man in one bed (not counting that morning I fell in sleep in Toulouse his bed.) I've always been shy and uncomfortable when it comes to that. My mother who called me a whore while I didn't even had my first kiss back then.

Evening was falling and I was getting tired. I wonder when Toulouse would get tired.

"I think I'm going to bed, last night I didn't had much sleep because of the baby."

"You can undress yourself in the bathroom, wash yourself if you want."

My heart was beating in my chest, was I really this prudish?

I was wearing my light nightskirt al though it wasn't that warm, lucky for me he has some heat in his room. I crawled into bed but I didn't fell asleep, I wanted to know when he was coming too. If he was coming, I remembered the words of Maurice. _"Did you know he suffered delirium, he barely sleeps?"_

_Authors note: I have put a crossover in my story, it's from another story of mine not on this site, it's on quizilla and it's called: "I'm living in a haunted mansion and its ghost is in love with me?!" Maybe if you're intrested you can read it on quizilla, my username is merrylover69._


	22. The truth

After a while I just fell asleep, couldn't stay awake any longer. It was after a few hours I woke up because of a loud knock on the door. No one was waking up next me probably because he wasn't sleeping next me. The door opened. I heard a familiar voice.

"So you've won."

"Please, stop you're stupid games. She isn't some price." The door closed again. I knew it was Maurice who just woke me up in the middle of the night but what did he meant to say with "you won." Did he and Toulouse did some bet about who would sleep with me first? Toulouse probably had no intention to do so. Softly I sat up.

"What was it?" I whispered innocent.

"Oh nothing dear, go back to sleep." He finally crawled into the bed. It was weird to have him next me now. The whole evening I was waiting for him but when he finally was there I was scared and shy. I would close my eyes and nothing would happen. And so it was. Nothing happened, he just fell asleep and that was it. I woke up the next moring later then I usually do. He was already up and making me breakfast. "I hope you had some sleep last night." He said smiling. I nodded satisfied.

"The best, it has been awhile since I last had a real good night sleep." There was even a bigger smile now on his face. "I'm really glad to hear so."

My sister came at noon at me, she was crying.

"François broke up with me, suddenly he doesn't want a girl with a child." I took her into my arms, I actually saw it coming. Off course I didn't told my sister this, she could blame me for not warning her.

Toulouse heard her and was there too now. "Oh poor thing, I knew this would happen. I was only hoping he changed. Still you were his longest relationship ever." She was now in his arms. I felt a rush of jealousy. "Why didn't you warn her?" I said coldly, my sister nodded. "Yes, why?" she said sobbing. "Because I was hoping he would change, that's all, I didn't wanted to ruin your happiness." Hmm. He has a good explanation. But in the meantime my sister was still in his arms. Why did she do this? She knew how much I loved Toulouse. She finally let go of him. It hurted even more when I saw how much love Toulouse had in his eyes. My thoughts went to Maurice. I wanted to make Toulouse jealous just like he was making me.

I looked through the window and just like I was expecting was Maurice wandering in the street, hoping he would meet me. I walked past Toulouse and when he asked where I was going I said I was going to Maurice. I heard both of them gasp. Off course Toulouse and my sister wouldn't let me go.

"Are you crazy?!" I heard my sister scream. But I wasn't listening anymore. There he was Maurice. He was smiling when he saw me. "Jane, I'm glad to see you!" He tried to hug me but I stepped backwards. "What are you doing here?! You should be home with the children." I said coldly back at him. What did you think? I would flirt with him? I just wanted to give Toulouse a jealous feeling, I wasn't planning on being with Maurice...

"I can't, because I promised I would bring them a mother."

"Mothers enough. Besides, I heard you last night. What was that about?"

He turned his face in shame.

"You don't want to know." He whispered softly.

"Why not?!"

"Because it would hurt your feelings! He isn't what you think he is!" Maurice screamed. People were watching us and I could feel myself turning red.

"Not this again, I'm tired of your games Maurice." Behind me stood a smiling Toulouse when I turned around. "If I knew you wanted to put him on his place I would have encouraged you on seeing him." I was so ashamed, now he still isn't jealous.

"You!" I heard Maurice scream, I saw lifting Toulouse by his collar. "You don't love her!" Now I was holding my heart, what was Toulouse his answer? I would finally know the truth. No more waiting. An akward silence was between them. I wanted to save Toulouse from his grasp but I was frozen to the ground, just waiting there on his answer.

"She's a friend!" My world fell apart. In my dreams he had screamed. "Yes I love her!" Maurice let go of Toulouse and turned around. The last thing I saw was a wicked smile on his face.

"He's crazy." I heard his voice say but I didn't care anymore I ignored him and went upstairs. I guess it wasn't a good day for love. First my sister, next me.


	23. Fate has brought us together

I love you. Those words kept repeating itself in my head. But my dreams has just been destroyed, hope was gone and I was alone now. Maurice who had just proven to me that I had made the wrong choice and off course he wasn't planning to be my second choice. There was a pain in my chest. A hollow feeling.

I kept on going upstairs without noticing where I was going until I reached the highest level. No stairs left except for a door. I reached for the door and it opened before I could open it. A man stepped out of the room and stopped when he saw someone else standing before him.

"Can I help you miss?" I looked at his face, he was an older man not the most handsome one but he had something. "No, I wasn't paying attention, I live downstairs." I could feel myself blush out of embarressement.

There was a little smile on his face as if he was amused by the fact I felt so uncomfortable in this situation. "I'm going back now." I whispered softly. "Wait!" I heard his voice say, I turned around. "You haven't said your name." Oh God, this is not what I need at this moment. "Does it matter." I walked back downstairs into my room. I saw my sister, she was there with a man who looked familiar. They both looked up in shock. Then I knew it. Tom. The one who tried to rape me.

"What is going on?!" I yelled. Tom didn't said a word, his head was all red and could only jump up and run towards the door but I stopped him. "What are you doing here?" He pushed me away. "Go away!" He yelled and he ran away. I looked back at my sister. She looked ashamed at me.

"You could have knocked." She said looking at the ground. As if it would matter, I would have still seen him. I didn't said a word to her, just shook my head and walked out of the door. Was the world gone crazy?! On my way outside I met the older man again.

"As if fate brings us together, 2 times in a day while before today I never saw you." A weak smile appeared on my face. "Fate? More likely coincidence." Again he looked amused by me being so rude, as if I was the first woman ever to be rude to him. "Now, don't need to be so moody, My name is Edgar Degas."

"Nice name, now you probably expect me to say mine?"

"You don't need to if you don't want to."

"Jane Peters."

"I'm meeting a friend of mine, care to join me?" Wow, Déja vu. I heard this before.

"Yes, I would love that?" Oh no, not Toulouse all over again. What next, he's a painter?

"So what do you do for living?" I asked him.

"I'm a painter, if you want I could show you my work?" Oh no... Do I attract them in some mysterious way?

"I'm a painter too, well learning." I said a bit blushing. "Fate?" I heard his voice say, I would call it bad luck.

"Who teached you?"

"Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec." He was laughing now. I gave him a my most evil look, why was he laughing?

"I teached Toulouse." I heard him say. Now I believed in fate. Why did I met him, off all people in Paris. "So you know my friend we are going to meet, because we are going to Toulouse." Fate.

Arriving at the café I saw a very confused Toulouse because of me walking by the side of a friend of his. "Jane, what are you doing here?"

"Funny story. I met here today and I asked if she wanted to join me. That was before I knew she knew you too." A weak smile on Toulouse his face. "What a coincidence." I heard the voice of Degas say the word I was thinking. "No, this is fate. Now tell me, you never told me you were teaching someone." Toulouse was a bit nervous, you could tell. "Never thought about mentioning it, doesn't mean that much." Why not pierce another knife into my heart. "Why not, isn't she talented?"

"Yes, she is."

"You know I like to meet new talent, ever thought about joining an exposition?" I looked up at him, for the last few minutes I was staring at my feet.

"Oh. I don't know if my work is welcome there."

"I'll be the judge of that. Let's leave, where do you keep your work?"

"At Toulouse his place."

"Let's go then."

We stood up and left the café. While Degas was walking in front I wanted to speak to Toulouse.

"What's wrong? It's like your ashamed of me?"

"What? No, I'm not, I'm proud."

"Proud? Doesn't seem like it."

"I'm sorry, it's just he is over enthusiastic."

"How?" For a moment I believed Toulouse was just jealous of me.

"Women are not really appreciated and you don't know the judges of those expositions, they will never appreciate our work, they already laugh with most of us, I don't want to see you dissapointed."

He gave me a fair explanation, still. "Why didn't you told Degas?"

"I knew he would praise you and tell you about expositions, it's just those jduges don't understand our work."

We arrived at our place.


	24. Tom and my sister

"So what do you think is your best work?" Degas asked me. I thought for a moment, should I show my first work or the new style I had discovered. I chose the symbolism painting I had just made. It was a very dark painting, I remembered painting it in a very sad mood. "It's very new, I haven't seen anything like this before." Even Toulouse was just amazed by it. Maybe because he didn't saw this before. I wasn't sure about this one, but now I know it gives the effect to people that I wanted to give.

"You have to try it, next week." Degas said, I looked at Toulouse to see his reaction, he shook his head. "Isn't it, too new for them?" I heard Toulouse say behind me, I nodded.

"I don't want to get dissapointed." I said and put my painting away. Deep inside of me I wanted to try it. But like Toulouse said, maybe I would get dissapointed.

"I respect your decision."

After awhile he left us, but before he left I saw him whispering something to Toulouse who smiled after his words but in a shy way, his look went directly to me.

"What was that about?" I was so curious about what he had just said.

"He said I must be very proud of you, and I am."

I couldn't stop blushing, so much compliments. I wasn't used to them.

With all what just happened I had forgotten about my sister who still had to explain what Tom was doing in her room. So I went downstairs to see her but when I arrived there no one was home. She probably had to work. So I went back up and told Toulouse what happened earlier that day.

"I am shocked, didn't your sister knew him?" I shook my head. "I didn't thought he had the nerve to come here again, he must have known she was my sister, I know he knew!"

"Calm down, maybe he had forgotten about it, he won't come back, I hope."

After a few hours I still didn't saw a sign of my sister. Even Toulouse had been looking for her but no one had seen her. After awhile I finally met one person who had seen her leave with a man and with the description of the man I knew it was Tom. How could she?

"Now what?"

"We go to his house."

Finally arrived there I saw that the shop was closed. I knocked on to his door. No answer.

"I'm sure he didn't go to his own place." Toulouse was right, he wouldn't be so stupid. The door opened, I saw his wife. At the look on her face I could tell she remembered me.

"What are you doing here? Haven't you caused enough damage?" she hissed.

"Your husband is with my sister and I'm trying to save her." With those words she fainted, lucky I could catch her on time. Toulouse and me dragged her into the house and layed her on a couch. After a while she woke up. She looked at our faces and she remembered everything.

"I can't believe this. He promised me." She started crying. "It isn't your fault." I put a hand on her shoulder. "Do you know where he could take her?" Toulouse asked her. She shook her head. "I have no idea where he wanders, I never questioned anything."

We left her house with a empty hands.

"Where could he have taken her?" I whispered.

Arriving back at Montmartre I saw her, she was with Tom. Furiously I ran up to her, if Toulouse wasn't there to stop me I would have strangled her.

"Where were you? I have been looking for you all over Paris!" I screamed at her. "You don't have to be so mad, I was with Tom." Was she serious about this? I slapped her in her face. "You dumb little girl, do you know who he is?!" Tom got nervous and wanted to walk away but Toulouse stopped him. "Tell her the truth." He said quietly but severe.

"He tried to rape me!" My sister was just staring at me for the next few minutes, Tom had pushed Toulouse away and ran as hard as he could. Then she started crying and ran away too, after Tom. I wanted to go after her but Toulouse stopped me. "This is something she has to do by herself."

All we could do is wait. After hours of waiting someone knocked on the door, I opened it and saw Tom.

"I have to explain a few things."

"I'm waiting."

"I know I was wrong back then, I was angry at you for turning Richard down. I know I have done wrong things, but with your sister, things are different. I love her."

"You don't know what love is, you leave my sister alone!" I wanted to close the door but he stopped me. "Please give me one chance, you'll see that I'm changed. I really love Louisa!" There was so much truth in his eyes. "What about your wife?"

"I am going to divorce her."

"Okay I will give you ONE chance, ONE mistake and I don't want to see you anymore." He nodded. "I promise I will treath her right." He walked away, not long after he left my sister knocked on the door. "I heard you talked to Tom." I nodded. She looked very happy.


	25. The massage that says enough

_Not suetable for children! _

I was sort of happy for my sister, she had such a difficult time with the baby and François who left her. But I still had doubts about Tom. After all he did to me. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. That night Toulouse crawled in bed with me at the same time I did. Only I wished he didn't. He was turning around the whole time. "What's wrong?" I finally asked him, I was getting so tired.

"I'm sorry it's just my legs, they hurt so much, I'll get up."

"No, don't, I'll massage them if you want."

"Well, if you really want that?"

"It's not a problem." I used to do it with my mother when she came home after a long day of work.

So I sat up straight. "Where does it hurt?"

"A bit everywhere."

So I started it, first the lower parts and up.

"I could fall asleep if you keep continuing this."

"Well you better do, then I can get some sleep too."

After awhile I started to realise something. Did I just...turned him on? Well I did noticed something like that. And his reaction.

"I think you can better stop. It's okay, pain is gone." He crawled directly underneath the blankets.

"What's wrong, did I do something wrong?" I acted innocent off course.

"No, it's okay, you were the best." After I heard him mutter something but I wasn't sure what he said. I was flattered actually. I always thought he saw me as a friend but that doesn't happen between friends now does it?

In the morning I acted like nothing happened. I did saw that Toulouse was still feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation from last night.

After breakfast he left. He had to discuss something with Degas. Meanwhile I put everything okay, the house looked a bit like a mess.

After that was done I was a bit bored. My sister was out with Tom, maybe I could go to Toulouse? So I went upstairs to the place of Degas. I saw the door was opened and just when I wanted to enter I overheard their conversation and it wasn't about art.

"So you mean?" I heard the voice of Degas.

"I can't do this, I love her but she deserves so much better."

"You, Toulouse, you praised love so much but now you're running away from it? It doesn't sound like you."

"I know, it doesn't sound like me. I just don't think I can make her happy."

"And why not?"

"I'm old, everyone knows I don't have much time left to live, I just can't give her hope and then let her be left alone the rest of her life."

"She won't be alone the rest of her life, you think she will mourn about you the rest of her life?"

"No."

"Well, try it."

"She can't love me? She's beautiful and I am..."

"I think she does, I see the way she lookes at you."

I was hoping they were talking about me. But until now they haven't mentioned names.

"And last night, you...?

"No, lucky for me she didn't even noticed."

"Maybe she did, but she liked it, because trust me, it can't be unnoticed."

"You think?"

"Yes, and you kissed her, didn't you?"

"Yes, but she couldn't remember."

My heart melted, he loves me! Now I know for sure. I wanted to storm inside tell him I loved him too but then he would know I have been eastdropping on them.

So I walked in after a few seconds and acted like I heard nothing.

"Hello, I was bored so I thought I'd keep you company." Toulouse looked at me like I just caught him on stealing candy.

"What a coincidence to see you here." Degas said happily with a look to Toulouse that said enough.

"Oh now it is coinicidence? I thought fate?" He laughed happily. Toulouse was silent, Oh please tell me the things you just said to Degas. He had just confessed his love for me but why was he so scared? I wouldn't turn him down.

"I'm going now." He said and looked at me. "Coming with me?"

I was hoping he would tell me. So I nodded.

Maybe I was too happy? Maybe he thought I had just been listening. Because he was silent, I think he had never so silent (while he was sober.)


	26. He has got to be kidding!

When we arrived at his place I noticed he was nervous. But he wasn't the only. My heart was beating out of my chest. It could happen any minute now. He would say he was in love with me and that he couldn't live without me.

"I need to talk to you." I could feel my hands becoming sweaty and warm.

"Yes."

"I'm in love with someone."

"Okay, who is it?" I asked him already knowing it would be me.

"Your sister, I would like you to set me up with her." It was as if I couldn't move anymore, couldn't speak, I was nailed to the ground. I had just heard him say that he loved me and now he was in love with my sister! He was lying! He has too!

"You know she's in love with Tom." I said softly.

"Yes, but as her sister you can convince her."

"No, I can't." I turned around and walked out of the door, slammed it and walked away, just outside. Degas greeted me but I didn't even noticed. I was just so mad! How could he say something like that? Maybe he was afraid of telling me but still! My sister!?

After a while I arrived at the Seine. There I would sit down and try to stop thinking about what had just happened. Why doesn't he just says the words. I love you. It's simple. Maybe he's afraid of commitment? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can't I stop thinking about it? People were passing by without noticing the poor girl on the grass. It was already dark when I decided to go back.

Back there I saw my sister, she was carrying all kinds of stuff.

"I'm leaving to Tom, I can stay there. So if you want, you can go back to your place." I was glad for some reason, easier to avoid Toulouse who would never confess how he feels about me how painful that is. I nodded and walked upstairs to Toulouse, to collect my things and leave. I opened the door, I saw him sitting in his chair, holding a bottle of absinth.

"My sister is going to live with Tom." I said as if it was a good explanation why I started to pack everything I had. I got no reaction, he was just sitting there. Before I wanted to leave he suddenly started to speak.

"I'm a fool, I have finally found a good woman who I love and loves me in return and I let her go."

"That's all up to you." I closed the door behind me. I realised he had just confessed his love but it was too late. Besides, it wasn't a real confession. And the worst part, he didn't tried to stop me. He let me go, like he said himself.

My biggest wish was going back to Belgium. If I didn't recieve an answer from my mother.

_Dear Jane, _

_I know you didn't expect me answer you but I did even after your hard and cold words. I'm happy for your sister, I knew she could make it in life but what about you? You are a nobody. You will always be that way. You call me mother? Well I have only one daughter and that's Louisa. Don't expect any kindness from me. I tried to kill her baby because I thought it would only bring her bad luck, I was wrong because it has brought her into the arms of a rich man. _

Was my mother serious about this? There goes my only plan, going back to Belgium. Maybe moving to America was option? People were speaking so highly of it. But it was so far away. Besides I didn't had the money to do that.

A knock on my door. I opened it and saw Toulouse. He was drunk, you could tell. Crying.


	27. After sunshine comes rain

"I'm sorry, my sister has already left." I said playing his game.

"You know I'm not here for your sister."

"It's too late." I wanted to close the door but I just couldn't because he wasn't too late, I still loved him. I wanted to hug him, kiss him.

"Please, let me in." So I did, still I couldn't resist.

"I love you." There were the words, after waiting so long.

"Why didn't you told me before?"

"I was scared." Okay, that's a very good reason, why didn't I think of that?

I took him into my arms. Next there was a kiss. Finally.

Everyone was glad to see us together, some people said it was only logical. My sister was most happy for us.

"I knew it!" she said jumpy as always, the little girl inside of my sister was back. The last months she was so mature, to see her jumping like a little child made me also young again for a little while.

The only person who wasn't happy was Maurice. He was almost stalking me. He would suddenly show up before my door. He would say nothing only stare. One day he finally spoke.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't sound like you are." I sighed.

"Leave me alone. I love Toulouse." I wanted to walk away but he stopped me by pulling my arm. I wanted to scream but he put a knive into my back.

"Don't say a word or you're dead." He whispered in my ear. He pulled me back into my appartement. I was hoping Toulouse would be here any moment now but he didn't. There I was alone with Maurice. He was still pointing a knive towards me.

"How could you turn me down for that dwarf." I smelled the alcohol coming out of his mouth when he draw me closer to him. I tried to push him away but he was too strong and he still had a knive. I felt his lips against my skin but it did nothing to me, I turned all my senses down. I could anly think about Toulouse who would open the door and drive Maurice away. Maybe only seconds went by but it seemed like hours when he tried to undress me I tried to kick him away but the knive had already left scares on to my body. I didn't wanted my first time to go like this.

I heard him undoing his pants, I didn't even look up at him when he pushed me on to the bed. I felt tears falling down on my cheeck. I could only think about Toulouse but he didn't came. Wondering where he was and when he was coming home, Maurice took the only innocent thing I had left.

I didn't look up, I was a doll. Lifeless. He left after he was satisfied and ran out the door after he got dressed. After he left I could only cry. I was still naked laying on the bed.

It was an hour after Maurice had left I heard the voice of Toulouse.

"What has happened?" I couldn't answer, not even loop up because I was ashamed. There was still blood on the floor from when Maurice had cut me. Silently I began to cry.

"Who did this to you?" I felt his warm hand on to my naked shoulder.

"Maurice." I whispered.

I heard him run out the door, but that's not what I wanted. He had to stay here in my arms. I needed him so hard at that moment.

I finally found the strength to stand up, I washed myself but even after the thirth time I still felt dirty. I got dressed and waited until Toulouse came back. After a while he was there.

"I didn't found him." He came to me but didn't know what to do. Hug me? Leave me alone? I stretched out my arms for a hug but instead he turned around. Why didn't he just gave me love? I needed him!

After a while he took me into his arms.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, it's all my fault."

I shook my head. "No, it isn't, Maurice is just crazy, they should look him up."


	28. My birthday

The next days it felt like he was ignoring me while I needed him so hard. But he wasn't there for me. It felt like he was even more gone then he was before. He probably couldn't handle the situation. I never saw Maurice again which was good I think I would crash if I saw him walking happily and free.

My sister was the only person who helped me through this difficult time. She moved back just for me, so I wouldn't be lonely anymore, she was worried that I would do something to myself. Which I wouldn't do, I have to much pride for that. The only thing that was bothering me was Toulouse who wasn't there for me when I needed him the most.

July was there and my birthday was approaching. I was going to be 18 on the 17th. I was hoping Toulouse would have some special present for me but my hope was fading. He was never home and when he was, he would be sitting in a couch drinking. As if he was the one who was raped. I kept myself strong and tried to move on with my life. But that was difficult if someone kept reminding you of what happened. One day he finally talked to me. The 16th.

"I won't be here tomorrow, I'm sorry." I felt tears coming up.

"Where are you going?"

"Some place, doesn't matter."

That was it. He couldn't make it on my birthday. No sweet words, no hugs, nothing. I didn't answer anymore and crawled into bed, something he never did anymore. Ever since that day he didn't sleep with me anymore. He would just sit there, in his couch holding a bottle of absinth.

On my birthday self only my sister was there, crappiest birthday ever. No letters, no friends. It was the worst day of my life.

My sister had bought me a golden necklace, with a little heart. She had the same.

"Now you will never be alone again." She said smiling. Into the little heart was a little inscription that said her name. In her little heart was my name. This made my day a little better. It was one of the most beautiful gifts I ever got.

That night he came home. Late as always. I turned on the light and he was shaking on his legs, his hands full of blood.

"Oh my God! What happened!"

"I don't know." He whispered and walked to the couch but this was just going to far. So I jumped up out of the bed and grabbed him.

"No you're going to tell me what happened!" I screamed.

"I wish I knew but I don't."

"How can you not know what happened!"

The worst things were flashing into my head. Maurice dead, even though he was the worst person ever, Toulouse would pay for it. I let go of him and started to cry. It was too much for me.

"You ruined my birthday, you ruined everything!"

He could only mutter something that sounded like "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not, You are so selfish! Even when I needed you the most you left me behind! If you call that love!" Everything I had bottled up inside of me was coming out now. I was so angry I could just kill him.

"You are always gone, everyday, when I ask you where you're going you don't give me a proper answer. You weren't there for me when I needed you, you weren't here for my birthday and now you have the guts of coming in here in the middle of the night with your hands full of blood! And next you don't know what happened! What do I have to think!" I had never been so angry in my whole entire life.

No feedback. He was still staring at me as if I came from Mars.

"You are pathetic! Not even a real man." I walked out of the door straight to my sister. Oh I hated him so much at that moment.


	29. Just a Low life

I'm not getting alot of reviews lately… I can handle bad one too, don't worry but please let me now if it's good or not. I need to know if it's worth writing. Thank u.

The next few days I was just sitting in my room. I couldn't think, couldn't eat, just think about Toulouse who did't gave any sign to me after I left. I still couldn't believe I actually left him. It all seemed so absurd as if it wasn't meant to happen. But it was real. I left him and was now all alone, only my sister to comfort me. Once in a while a worried Degas would see me but that was just for a few seconds just to ask me if I was okay. My answer was always the same. I had better days. Off course I had better days. Those days when I was just waiting for him to love me. Those days before Maurice had destroyed my life. And there was still this question. Why did he had blood ons his hands the night he came in? Maybe he helped a guy who was seriously wounded? Or maybe he killed Maurice? I wanted to think of the good things but the bad ones just over did the good ones.

But deep inside of me, I missed him. I still loved him. After awhile I told my sister she could go back to Tom, that I was better. But off course that was a lie. I just didn't wanted to ruin the happiness she had found.

Next, I waited. After 2 weeks I had left I began to worry, it wasn't the first time he had drunk to much and he got unconcienced. I wanted to see him but the thought of him being happy without me and me storming in would be a little embarrissing. So when Degas came in I asked him if he had heard of Toulouse.

"I think he went to visite his mother in Albi." He said but I could see he wasn't too sure.

"Don't tell him I asked about him."

"Jane, you sho.." But I didn't let him finish his sentence.

"Promise me."

"Okay, I promise."

So nothing to worry about, he went to see his mother. Or maybe Degas was lying? I could tell he wasn't sure about it. Maybe Toulouse was ill and in a hospital? I wish I could just stop thinking about him but it was so difficult. So I told myself he was fine and I have to move with my life like he did.

Didn't he?

I started to move on with my life. Finally a day without him on my mind.

It was on a beautiful day I saw Maurice. For some reason I was glad, because that meant that Toulouse didn't harm him and that he couldn't be put in jail. But at the same time I felt scared and fragile. I wanted to face him and tell him he didn't broke me but then I would be lying and that's not the worst part. He was in the parc with his beautiful wife and children. He had lied about her. Off course if I would confront him with it he would deny it and call me crazy. She would believe him and look at me as if I was a whore that tried to get her man. So I hade myself behind a tree. As soon as he walked away I walked away but bumped into a young man.

"Hiding?"

"No, avoiding." I wanted to walk away but he was still standing in my way.

"My name is Pierre Louÿs, nice to meet you." He stretched out his hand. Not again.

"My name is none of your concerns will you please let me go?"

"Always this friendly?"

"No, only to men who can't keep their noses out of other people's business."

"Sorry to bother you." He walked away while he mumbeled something that sounded very Dutch.

"Wait! Are you Dutch?"

"I'm from Ghent that's all, I speak a few words Dutch, why?"

"Oh nothing, I'm from Antwerp."

There was a evil grin on his face.

"Low life isn't it?" I wish I didn't told him. I didn't said anything, I just walked away. He had just pushed me back into my black hole.


	30. On a rainy day

I'm sorry it took me so long to write this new chapter, I have been very busy with school

_I'm sorry it took me so long to write this new chapter, I have been very busy with school._

On top of it all it started raining. So I was in the neighbourhood of opera Garnier when I saw a figure coming closer. With the pouring rain troubling my view I wasn't sure who it was. But deep down I had a suspicion. Toulouse. It couldn't be someone else, he wasn't tall and well I just had this feeling it was he. He recognised me too because he had turned around and started walking faster then before. Fool. Why did he acted like that? Or maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was just my imagination…

I was tired of it all. So when I arrived home I started packing my things. Leaving Paris, where to? Don't know yet. Maybe Barcelona? Beautiful city. Or maybe back to Belgium? I knew my mother wouldn't let me in, but Richard would, wouldn't he? I know I've hurt him but maybe he would give me a last chance.

A knock on my door, my thoughts went to Toulouse. But when I opened the door it was Degas. He could see I was a little disappointed.

"I'm very happy to see you." He said with a grin. I had a little laugh but it vanished directly. Off course he noticed I was packing my things.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from here, I just haven't decided yet."

"Vacation?"

"No, for real. I'm tired of living here on my own. I'm not happy."

"When?"

"When I'm ready and when I know where to."

I could see he was a bit sad but how nice or friendly he was I couldn't live here anymore. Too many memories. Bad ones.

"I came here to ask you if you would like to come tonight to my place, for a little drink, maybe even as a goodbye party since you are leaving."

"I will come." I said a bit doubting, scared Toulouse would be there and ignoring me.

"Great!" He said enthusiastic and walked away closing my door and left me alone as usual.

I ate a few slices bread, one of the last ones I had. They were dry and hard but I was saving most of my money for the journey to some place. Besides I wasn't really hungry, something just stopped the hunger. I looked in to the mirror; I had lost most of my charms because I looked so thin. I tried to make it better with some make-up, but I already looked like a skeleton.

I took all my courage with me and stepped out of the door. But with that I stumbled across someone.

"I'm sorry." I muttered softly looking embarrassed to the ground.

"Hello beautiful lady." I recognised his voice. Give me chills through my whole body.

"Hello Toulouse." My voice said silently and shy. I had no idea how to react with his presence near me, so close.

"I think I need to explain you some things."

I nodded. "Yes, but you know I'm going to Degas, you were probably too. A little smile appeared on his face. "I knew he would do that."

"Do what?"

"Invite you. He wanted us to talk."

"So if I didn't bumped into to you, you would have kept ignoring me?"

"I was ashamed of how I have treated you. I'm really sorry."

"At this moment sorry isn't really helping."

"I know but please let me explain everything."

"Okay, first off all, why didn't you supported me after Maurice had raped me?"

"I didn't knew how to react, leave you alone or not. I know I shouldn't be the one who has the right to complain. I didn't wanted to scare you or drive you away. I heard of many women who has been through the same, that they wanted to have some time alone and that's what I gave you but apparently that's not what you needed. I was confused."

"Sure, What about the blood on your hands when you came home the night of my birthday?"

I saw tears in his eyes. "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter! It was my birthday! You were at some place at my birthday! Coming home full with blood! ON MY BIRTHDAY! I think I have the right to know what happened!" I was so angry, everything I had bottled up inside of me came out.

"I went to a friend of mine, she committed suicide, I found her." I could see he was fighting his tears.


	31. My departure

_I am so sorry I have waited so long to continue my story! But here it is!_

"I am so sorry; I had really had no idea." I took him into my arms and softly kissed him. I felt so selfish, all I did was thinking about me while he was the one with problems. "What happened? Was she unhappy?"  
"She was getting older, didn't got any clients anymore so she didn't had much money left, I guess she was afraid of aging." He sighed, "Enough about me, I heard you were leaving?"  
"Yes… I don't know… maybe." With him in my arms I wasn't sure anymore. "There is one thing I want to know, Will there ever be an 'us' again?"  
"It wouldn't be fair towards you; I know I don't have many years to live."I couldn't believe my ears, was he serious about this? He saw the confusing in my eyes because he kissed me softly and whispered "I wish it could be different…"  
"Then it's better for me to leave." I let go of him and walked towards my door. "Tell Degas I'm not coming." And I closed my door.

The next morning I took the train back to Belgium. I didn't even said goodbye to my sister, but she would only try to stop me, I would explain everything in a letter. Since for the first time in my life I wanted security instead of adventure. When I got in the train I saw Toulouse he was standing there with my painting. I got out of the train.  
"I thought you would want this." He gave me the painting. "Thank you." And there I would give him a last kiss. "Write me." He whispered in my ear, I softly nodded and ran back to the train and when it left he waved at me until I was out of sight. I already missed him but like he told me himself, we would never have a chance together.

Back in Belgium I went straight to Richard since he was the only one I wanted to see. When I knocked on his door the butler opened. "Yes madam?" I forgot how much I had changed since the last time I was there. "Is Richard there, I'm a friend of his." The butler looked at me in a strange way. "Haven't you heard, he died a few months back, he drowned himself." My world crashed, I had a feeling this was my entire fault. When I went to the graveyard I saw the grave and started crying. The last time I saw him we had a fight. "I'm sorry." I whispered and placed a flower on his grave.

My only other option was my mother. I went to her house and knocked on her door. When she saw me she started crying and hugged me. "I'm so sorry for everything I have said, I didn't mean any of it!" I was so relieved to see my mother back. She had lost a lot of weight and looked tired. She explained that after me and my sister left she had only her salary and that wasn't much.

I tried to contact all my old friend again, some of them had turned against me because of what happened with Richard except one, George. He was the youngest of all of them. He was a very tall but skinny boy who was two years younger than me. He offered me a job as a secretary in the company his father worked in. There I met William, a handsome American who was in Antwerp for business. He offered me a life of security and this time I wouldn't refuse. Still I would never forget Toulouse; I hung his painting in my reading room.

I still had a lot of contact with him until 1901 it stopped. Later my sister explained to me that he had died.

I would always love him.


	32. THE END

If you thought that was the end, you were wrong.

So I lived further with my husband William, I got 2 children. A son, whom I called Henry, named after Toulouse and a daughter named Louisa like my sister.

I finally had the life I always wanted. We moved to New York, I got a good job and William was a good man. I would never feel the same way like I did with Toulouse but I was save.

So my life went on peacefully, it was until World War 2 my peaceful world fell apart. First there was my sister, who had moved back to Belgium, she got caught hiding Jews in her house. That's what I heard from George. Ever since that moment I didn't received letters from her anymore so I assume she died.

My son died while in Normandy.

I was so tired of everything. So when I received the letter about son's death I went to bed. A soft knock on the door made me awake; I opened my eyes and saw I wasn't in my usual bedroom. It all looked so familiar. Suddenly I realized that I was back at Montmartre, it was my room. I stood up and opened the door and there was Toulouse with my breakfast.

Finally we would live together in peace.


End file.
